"Somebody get some hot water, blankets, a towel! Something!', exclaims almost every hollywood script where birth is concerned. Then comes the 2-3 screams, followed by expletives, and then, bam! A fully cleaned, healthy 6 month old baby is placed on a perfectly coiffed actress, looking adoringly at her perfectly quiet baby. Fade to black...
I usually have ample opportunity to advise mothers-to-be in everything from car seats, to breast pumps, diapers and now, I've got 0-9 years down. Past that, I'll have to find someone else's blog for advise. Let me say first and foremost: The maternal Grandma is (most times) the person most new moms want when they bring home a baby. The reasoning, at least to me is crystal clear, and multi layered.
First of all, there is no one on earth, other than your own mom that you trust with a baby. After all, she fed, diapered, and clothed you and your siblings. So, reasonably, she should be able to help you do it with your own child. The mother in law will never fit this description. Period. I mean, can your husband feed and clothe himself without you? Most of us answer a resounding NO. Therefore, the Mother-in-law will not do. At least, not for the acute in-the-middle-of-the-night-what-do-I-do-now's. This is not meant to offend your Mother-in-law, I know that, she doesn't. And most new moms can't articulate this in a meaningful way.
Secondly, having a baby is the scariest thing you will ever do. Once you get on this ride, there is no getting off. Ever. The worry starts once you have 2 lines on a pregnancy test, and it progresses forward with new challenges as your little embryo becomes a person. There will be significant pain involved. There will be loss of control. It's scary, and like most of us when we are hurt and scared we want our Mom. So, as the big day approaches, Mom arrives.
I like it when patients bring Mom to the visit. I like getting to know her a bit before the big day. Now that I'm a Mom, I understand the fierce protectiveness that she possesses. I know that she doesn't want her baby to hurt, or have a "48 hr labor like I had with her". Mom, understand that your daughter wants to show you that she's ready for the ultimate test of womanhood, and I know that you want to let her spread her wings. I also know now what you do. That motherhood will change and define her in a way that she doesn't know yet. It will consume and overwhelm her as it did you 25 years ago. That she will undergo pain that she's never experienced, and real-life drama that makes Jr. High laughable, well, almost. I know that she is running off the cliff of childhood and into the free fall of parenthood. Know this: I'm not gonna let her crash and burn. I will do everything in my power to protect her and her precious cargo. And I need your help.
Your daughter and I have forged a relationship. I've probably heard things from her that you'd rather her not experience. We have developed a trust over these 9 months. She is an adult now, and has made many independent choices. One of them is choosing her obstetrician, and this time, it's me. Many times babies sail into this world with little drama, and I barely make it on time. Then there's the rest. Grandma-to-be, support your daughter's trust in me. There is nothing I want more than a healthy baby, Mom and family at the end of the day. I see you pacing in the hall. I so want to tell you how great my board scores were, how competent my skill set is, and that I will never ever hurt your baby girl. I used to groan with frustration over "the Mothers", now I am one. I sat, today, for a moment and tried to fast forward 20 years to my own daughter writhing in sweat and pain pushing new life into existence, and found myself pacing in the hallway of my mind with the same look on my face as you have today.
What your daughter needs now is for you to encourage her, comfort her, tell her she is beautiful, help her learn how to hold her baby and change diapers. Encourage her to breast feed if she desires, support her if she doesn't, if she needs to use cloth diapers, help her clean them. She needs to make independent mothering choices that may be different than yours, and this is no reflection on you. This new Momma is spreading her wings. You did this too. She may want to co-sleep, or swaddle, she may need to be "skin to skin" right after delivery and I may need to take you in the hall for a much needed cup of coffee, so they can bond in a meaningful way. Trust me: she wants you and she needs you, but sometimes during labor, delivery and the immediate post partum period it may not feel that way. There is no moment more terrifying than the moment your Mom goes back home and leaves you alone with a baby.
Today, rub her shoulders, wipe her brow, feed her ice chips and look over my shoulder while being my greatest asset. The calm confidence that you portray today will spill into the room as we fill it with joy expanding your family circle. She needs you as much today as she did 25 years ago. The fact that you are here speaks volumes about her trust in you and your mothering skill set. I promise, she's read numerous parenting books. She's got plenty of receiving blankets, and as you know, we don't use hot water for anything. Just warm "to the inside of your wrist", right Mom?
